I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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