u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
