He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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