i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
