I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
