he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
