Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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