new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize