I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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