It's Friday. Sex?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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