The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
