Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
