We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
