Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
