I want to make a zoo with you.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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