like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
