he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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