I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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