I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
