had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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