you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
