I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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