we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
