I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize