There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
