I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize