if you like me you must not know who I am
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
