Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
