Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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