apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
