he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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