I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
