my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
