I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
