I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
How's work?
Spinning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
