i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
