Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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