She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize