I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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