I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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