Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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