He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
