my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
