I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
