it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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