Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
