Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
