i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
