I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
wanna go halves on a baby?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just had sex on a roof
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
