haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
