If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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