i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And then he peed in my hair
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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