this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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