Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize