Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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