man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
