So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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