If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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