Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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