I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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