she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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