My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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