wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
