Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
ttyl tear gas
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
