I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
